Pie Horror!
by October Sea Breeze
Summary: Okay, here I am. A pie, transformed by that bloody young idiot! And I'm about to get eaten by the horrible wife of my best friend.


**A/N: written for a good friend of me :D**

**Antonin Dolohov, Rodolphus and Rabastan Lestrange, Bellatrix Lestrange-Black ;3**

Okay, here I am. A pie, transformed by that bloody young idiot! And I'm about to get eaten by the horrible wife of my best friend.

"Pie!" I smash the door shut with my heel. The pie in my hands shifts dangerously over the plate. Help? I should make pie more often in fact, it smells quite nice.

"It's not my birthday," Rodolphus – who is, as far as I remember, my best friend – says without looking up from that stupid book he's reading. I don't know what it is, probably _1000 Ways to Flirt Without Potions_¸ he's horrible with potions.

"Pie!" I yell again, hoping that someone would finally get the hint. Rabastan looks up from his annoying, moving Sudokus in the Daily Prophet. Really, how he masters them is a mystery. I hate them! I really do, they never work with me!

"It's not mine either," he remarks – how smart. He stands up to check the calendar. Yes, they would finally get it! "Hang on…" Oh, dear… "you made a cake for…"

"BELLA! Antonin!" Rodolphus jumps up in horror, ignoring the loud hisses from the snake beneath the table – that snake just freaks me out by the way. It always stares at me. I hate snakes. Brr.

He grabs me by the shoulders, shaking me so violently that I drop the poor pie. I _dropped. The. Pie._ What the hell is wrong with me! I dropped the pie! I can only stare it, my face probably being a very good impression of a fish: mouth wide open and eyes not blinking. Rabastan makes a rather disgusted sound that for some reason seems to fit in the whole moment. The whole _scenery. _What a perfect used word.

"Are that green beans? In the pie?" Is there something wrong with that? I like green beans, they mean a lot to me. I think someone fed me them whilst I was just conscious after my horrible brain loss. I open my mouth – wait, no, it was already open.

"Not the point, Rab!" Rodolphus interrupts me. "He baked a pie… for _Bella._ For my sort-of wife. There must be something wrong with him." Why? And what does he have against Bellatrix? She's one hell of a hot lady. And very friendly, if I may say so myself.

"Antonin Dolohov can't bake a pie, even if it may save his life." I can't? I'm very good at cooking, or so I think. I didn't burn the pie whatsoever! I think that's pretty good.

Rodolphus turns his attention back to me. Me who is still heavily in shock. "Antonin. You must be honest with me." Why wouldn't I be? I'm always honest. About everything. If he'd ask if I would date him, I would say he's an ugly bastard. If he'd ask if I love Bella I would say… no, because she's his wife. _Sort-of _wife.

"No matter how much I like your new personality." Have I changed?

"And all that, it's not what we're used to. You can't bake." What?

"You insult all living things." I'm horrible!

"And you can't stand my wife. Understand that?" Of course I don't understand! I can bake – obviously. I'm not so horrible that I would insult everything and I can stand Bella! In fact, if he wasn't married to her, I'd happily marry her. And we would live happily ever after. After that bloody war!

"Who can stand your wife, Rod? Be honest." Rabastan flicks his wand to let the cake disappear, or that seemed to be the intention because he only succeeds in tripling it. Wait? Why am I so green beanish. Why do I feel so eatable? Oi! Hello! You've turned me into a bloody green bean pie! God damn! I try to scream. I try to wiggle. Blugh.

"And I appear to be no good at cleaning spells," he remarks frowning. Oh, good you realize, my life saver! I would strangle you if you hadn't turned me into a _PIE!_

"Rab, shut the hell up, I'm trying to get some common sense in Antoni- Antonin? Rabastan Lestrange, what have you done to Mr. Antonin Gentleman?" Good question, my best friend, very good question. If I had fingers, I'd be drumming them very loudly on a table. But I have no fingers, only green beans. Rodolphus throws a dark look, or so I think because I can't see higher than his feet. Nice shoes he has though. Shoes, why am I thinking of shoes. Rabastan's feet shift nervously over the floor. If you think of standing on me, dear, I will scream! Or rise from this icy cold tile floor!

"Might 've turned him into pie…" You got to be kidding me! Imaginative face palm is obvious I think. I want hands! I do so much with them! Like strangling people for example! Or making them choke in pie…

"Nice, would he taste fine?" WHAT? Why is Rabastan thinking of eating me? I am not eatable, I taste disgusting although I would change flavor for Bellatrix Lestrange. Wink.

"RABASTAN! You are not going to eat Ant-" Ah, someone who agrees. Footsteps. Don't stand on me. Don't even dare to stand on me.

"O, you." I bet if she would notice I'm there, she would sound so much happier. I bet you a couple of galleons on it. If I could bet and if I had money, but I don't even have pockets! Have you ever seen pie with pockets? Don't think so! Why am I liking it that I am pie.

"Have you seen Antonin." Yes, you just saw a pie fainting. "He floo'd me to tell he had a pie for me." Oh, no.

"Was that the pie? And if so, where is the deliverer of it?" Between it, dearest, between it. "Anyway, while we wait for our dearest, old insomniac." Oi! Offended here. I am not old. I'm only seventy-five. SEVENTY-FIVE I tell you. "We shall start already, shall we?" I feel myself moving. I have no control over my own lim- beans. That's like the Imperius Curse, boo!

Okay, here I am. A pie, transformed by that stupid Death Eater, and about to get eaten by the lovely wife of my best friend. The lovely wife that will turn into a horrible wife if she eats me, I don't have it with biting , to be honest.

"NO! Err…" God, Rodolphus is my Guardian Angel for what? I hear him scratching his head, but I don't care, as long as he convinces Bella not to eat me it's fine. She can't just eat me, can she? What if I suddenly transform back and end up with half a face!

"We should wait for Antonin! After all, he baked it for you, darling." Rabastan sniggers in the background at the last word that escaped Rodolphus' mouth. Poor him, having to say that to someone he doesn't love. It would stream out like honey with me. Not that I have honey streaming out of my mouth! Only green bloody beans.

Now I'm on a table, and I see… Rodolphus' chest hair. Put on a shirt, mate. My God, or shave that hair, it's like the Amazon Forrest! Not normal. What pies have to go through some times… I feel pity for them. Loads of pity, especially when I am one, otherwise I'll be glad to eat them.

"He shall arrive soon, husband, no worries." Is this the middle ages? Husband? Who says husband to their… well, husband when talking to each other? I don't. Well, I don't have a husband but… I'm confusing my poor beany brain.

Is that... A KNIFE? No, no! Rodolphus do something and get the knife away. Shiver. I must shiver. Concentrate, Antonin, concentrate. I can't. Scream? Oh, god, that scream sounded girly. Did they just stop moving all of a sudden? Why is Rodolphus looking so shocked at something that's behind me. Am I about to get stabbed? Oh, what a tragic death, I can see the Daily Prophet already:

_Death Eater Stabbed in the Back Whilst Pretending to be a Pie. _ I'm going to sue them then, because I didn't _pretend _to be a pie, I just became one. Because of that bloody idiot! I will strangle him.

"Did the pie scream?"

"Did it scream, Rodolphus?"

"I'm not sure, Rabastan. I don't think pies yell. Maybe Bellatrix has gone insane! My dearest wife, why don't you go and take some fresh air in the garden. But leave some air for us as well." Rodolphus nearly pushes his wife outside. How dares he to treat his wife like that! I would never do that to her, I would if my best friend was a pie, but I'm not so stupid to transform him into a pie and my brother wouldn't either. My sister on the other hand…

"Okay, Rabastan Lestrange, you are going to fix this before I will transform you as well and replace you with Antonin so Antonin can live happily ever after in a box underneath my bed!" Spit everywhere and I can't duck! Bloody, I need a shower. Urgently. If I only wouldn't end up in the sewer if I did that!

"But how, Rodolphus? I tried to clean up and I transformed? What must I do now? Make it a mess in the hope he changes? I don't think so, dad wouldn't be happy with a ruined kitchen, would he?"

"No, but just try it! Before Bella comes in or before all the air in the world has left!" They're shouting at each other and I am so not liking it. I hate shouting people. And I hate losing my memory. Or transforming into a pie. I hate a lot of things, not sure which would earn a first place though. Rabastan maybe. Ten things Antonin Dolohov hates and on a first place it's a person. Epic fail that would give.

"You want me to ruin the kitchen for Antonin? Are you madly insane? I'd rather eat him!" Oi! Mean! I don't care that you have no chest hair, younger brother of Rodolphus, but that was mean! Oh, well, just eat me. I don't care. If you don't want a ruined kitchen…

"Okay!" Rabastan eventually gives in, good for me. Or not so good. What if I stay green? What if I will only eat green beans? Yuck! Never again! Well, never again transform into a pie of course… after I get out of this situation. Which seems unlikely at this very moment. Pie, I'm a bloody pie! And the air is leaving due to Bella!

A wand flicks, pie appears and disappears. I'm not sure if it worked, but two arms around me prove that I'm not really a pie anymore. Or so I think, I still feel kind of green beanish.

"Antonin!" Oh, dear, not now. How much I love her, I don't want to see her. Not now…

"Are that green beans and pie in your hair Antonin? Are you that bad of a cook?" she remarks just afterwards and I am officially not happy anymore. I put so much effort in that cake and where did it end up? Well, on the ground, then sort of in me and not in me because I was the cake and now it's in my hair! And I feel like I've eaten quite a lot of it as well. Yikes, I hate green beans – to be honest with all you guys.

"I actually would've liked some pie." She sighs and Rodolphus is destined to play the Guardian Angel again.

"Ah, Rabastan, will you take my _lovely_-" that word totally disagrees with his look of dead in his eyes, "-wife to I-don't-care-where and buy her some pie so I can make Antonin presentable for dinner. After all, it's her birthday, isn't it, _dear._" More dead-looks. I would have died long ago if Rodolphus ever started at me like that. Not that he does. He should let me go out of his death hug though, it's getting quite… no, not at all. What am I thinking these days? Apart from: where is my memory and at the moment: why was I a pie and why don't I get the chance to strangle Rabastan Lestrange?

"I will, my dearest brother?" What is all this? Some sort of a play? Why is everyone so friendly to each other? It's getting on my nerves! As I watch the youngest leave with Bella – why can't I go with her? I brought the pie after all! Anyway, as I watch the youngest leave with Bella, Rodolphus releases me from his death hug and I'm glad I'm out of that horrible forest of hair!

"Go shower you before she's back. I'm hoping you get your memory finally back!"

"I hope you shave your chest hair once." Snappy comment one: yes!

"Oi!"


End file.
